Baggage

This is what I do.

It's a pretty simple dating plan. I talk to a boy that I like, and if something develops, I pursue dates. I usually have to feel some bit of a spark before I ask for that date though. It really takes the guess work out of everything, because I know where I'm going with things. I just have one issue and it's a big one. I always want the ones that don't want me. It sucks. You live in another city, well I'm gonna become really attracted to you. You are emotionally unavailable. Oh man, you're very important to me. Here's the fucked up part... you're the definition of attractive to me, we have so much in common, and you are genuinely interested... I can't stop thinking about Mr. Emotionally unavailable instead of you. Why? Because my ego is everything and I have something to prove to myself. I need someone to need me. I want someone to say that they can't live without me. That they have been searching for me for their whole lives. This never happens though. I'm not sure why not. Maybe it's because these types of scenarios are rare. I refuse to believe it's because I don't deserve it. I always really enjoy the difficult path. The path less chosen.

So I've start to distance myself from these guys. I pull away, and they honestly seem OK with it. That hurts. It's a necessary hurt but it still sucks. I don't want to be someone you can easily forget and that's what I feel like. So I'm giving up. I'm letting these guys burn out or turn it around, but I'm giving this new guy the most honest shot I've given anyone so far. No distractions. I deleted my dating profiles, and I've stayed away from texting these other guys. They aren't worth my time, and to be honest, this new situation could be good. I haven't really dated anyone like him. So I gave myself time to let go of old baggage and I'm ready to get into something new. I can't keep getting caught up in other peoples baggage. I do it all the time and I start asking myself what I did wrong, when it's never been my fault! Here's to new and exciting things. No regrets!

Refreshed

I have the good fortune to know one of the greatest people in the world. He's my best friend and has been through a crazy year much like myself. In fact, our lives mirror each others in unexpected ways. He's my brother from another mother and what he's meant to me this last year is beyond words. I just came back from DC visiting him. He's met a great guy and they are raising a young son together. I loved that idea. A little family. One thing a trip does sometimes is put things in perspective and boy did I have an epiphany. I've been on the hook with my crush long enough. So I've been putting my energy into something that was developing even before my crush. It started as something friendly, but since me and the crush got caught in this friend zone it's been developing into something more. All this was put into perspective when I put some distance between me and the situation. I realized that I deserve to put my own energy into the situations that made me happy. If I'm unhappy in a situation, I should change it. Last night I had a similar discussion with a friend. He's unhappy with a situation but wanting to work through it. In my head I thought, "I'm not this passionate about my current situation of unhappiness..." and it dawned on me that I'd already let go. Maybe it happened in DC, or even before that. Who knows. I needed a sign that something was still developing with my crush, and I wasn't given that. So here I am but I don't want to say I'm starting over. It doesn't feel like it.

Motivation Through Stagnation

I've been in a rut. Not my typical, shit is being flung around from the fan type of issues though. These issues don't devastate me for weeks on end like the issues of three months ago. I try really hard to maintain healthy relationships, to slowly lose weight, and motivate myself to doing something productive daily. It's a baby step challenge system, but it's what I need. Struggling with the social issues that I do, this is pure evolution for me. I feel like a horribly named superhero sometimes. Call me social anxiety man, or something similar. I knew I was getting stuck again, and I'm taking action before things get incredibly bad. Sure, I'm making friends, going on dates, giving love a chance, and also taking chances to improve my life. If not now, when? It's what I keep telling myself. I kick myself for not sticking to my education plan, but my new plan is worth the failures of my past. To be honest, every "today" is worth the failures of my past. Life has taken me to so many insane places.

School ramps back up soon, and again I'm finding myself struggling to fund the project. I'm a very prideful man, so I never ask for help. Even if my pride didn't get in the way, I've never actually asked for help before, and never had the option available to me. On top of that, the guy I'm crushing on has come around again. He's said some compelling words, and I'm back on his hook. Still, he vanishes right after. He gives me enough to vanish for a while. It's hurtful and I'm not sure what to do about it. Still, as I mentioned above, I'm still dating, and I have this insane ability to find some really fantastic guys. I don't know if any of these guys are going to stick around or if I even want them too, but honestly I would be lucky if one of them did. Still, I stay guarded and await those magic words from my crush that will send me into future plans mode. I wish for exclusivity and honest feelings. I'm struggling to stay above water here, but it's easier than it's ever been.

I look to the future with a mixture of bittersweet optimism. The future is empty, but I'm making plans to fill it. Finally, I'm starting to see the future I've planned take shape. With no expectation of someone else next to me. I'm still looking for that person who is willing to share that future alongside me, but I'm not devastated that the search continues. If true love was easy and abundant, everyone would have it. If motivation was easy, everyone would be successful. We have to choose to make the trip before we can choose to arrive at our destination. This is me choosing.

Enlightened Roadblocks

(Prepare yourself, this one feels like a mess)

I think one of the issues with knowing yourself is the constant pain of knowing what isn't healthy alongside you. I've worked really hard getting to know myself and often times I feel like my only reward for this is the universe introducing opposite forces. People so different and opposite that I long to be ignorant. Ignorance is bliss after all. That's what they say, but ignorance is just ignorance and romanticizing it seems dangerous somehow. I've always been of the mindset that observation brings knowledge, but what we see can only be processed when we've touched and experienced alongside someone. These experiences bring about emotion unfortunately, and that's where my problems reside. I'm too emotional. It's something I've attempted to change about myself or even attempt to understand why I get connected with people the way I do. I don't know when it started because as a child I never connected with people. I found it hard to be emotionally available and my ignorance about the lives around me kept me safe to a degree. I began opening up somewhere around my teenage years and it's taken me a long time to truly feel connected with people the way that others do. Somewhere around falling in and out of love and losing a best friend, I began to collect emotions. Loving people too hard and too quickly. These silly ideas in my head about feeling and observing the way I do often haunt me. Catching the nuances of humanity and falling in love with the details.

Still, these things are important to me, and even if they carry me away to places nobody should go, I will cherish them. Not because these things are bad, but because we can't love everyone, and often times most people will hurt you. By you, I mean me. I'm not a special little snowflake. I'm a sappy little selfish asshole, and I don't condone my behavior. Still, I believe in love, and I believe in loving with everything you have. Don't ever use anyone for your own emotional gain; just observe. Notice the little things about humanity that makes it amazing. Love the little things about people and tell them that you love the little nose wrinkle someone gets when they laugh. Admire how the morning light hits their eyes. They way they look down when they laugh and when they look up their face is filled with pure happiness. Share your moments with someone and don't be afraid to look over at them and say, "I'll always remember this." Because if someone is feeling the same way and they are too afraid to say it, you will have silenced that fear. Don't miss out on something great because you're too afraid to say something brave. So, yes, I love too much. I've tried to change that once, and it may sometimes be an issue. Today, I embrace my large stupid heart. I embrace the mess it leaves behind sometimes too.

The Enemy

It's been a minute since I've written here. I get a bit distracted with life and a few of my other projects. It's important for me to come here and vent. To say what's on my mind and get it out my muddled dome. Things have been interesting to say the least. So lets just get to it. I really like this guy. Epic like. Future like. The problem is that he doesn't like me. I know he doesn't and if he does, he really has no clue how to show me. I've been really patient. Eventually I had to end things and in Garden State fashion I put a fucking ellipsis on the whole thing. We talk, but it's a matter of time before things fade off. It sucks, but it's what's right. It's good to miss someone before ever knowing their potential in your life. It's safe. And I'm an idiot, I know, shut up.

I've already given up and grieved this guy, knowing that if he wanted to get serious, I would be next to him in a second. It's all very pathetic. Still, I've done my best to attempt normalcy in my life. I spent the last week talking to a few new people. Went out on a couple dates. Most of them weren't the best of dating experiences. I keep things friendly because I know that if things went anywhere else, I could ruin my chances with my original pick. I have strict rules! No sex. No adding each other on social networks. I have a general rule about not giving new love interests my Tumblr. Recipe for disaster is an understatement. My mantra is, "Stay positive, keep an open mind, a subtle heart, and protect your worth." and it's paying off. If I keep smiling and retain a positive outlook, people pick up on that. I also realize that the situation with this guy I like isn't the equivalent to love. Love creates a need to sacrifice and compromise. So, I keep my mind open to the idea that love could still be out there, and if I get the chance to pick up where me and him left off, that could also be love. Which leads me to my next piece. Don't feel too deeply for anyone just yet. I'm in a cautionary stage and I can't compromise myself for suspicions of feelings. Which is the last part of my mantra. I'm worth love. All of it. Every single amount of love anyone has ever felt may not be owed to me by anyone other than me, but that doesn't give anyone the right to treat me like shit. I need to learn when to let go. My relationship with Matt taught me that things will fall apart regardless of me taking action or not.

I don't have anything figured out. If I ever claim to, I'm either a very different person or I'm senile. I may already feel a bit senile. I talk big here.... I really do, but I'm always crumbling. I crumble every single day. I dwell on this guy I have a crush on, I dwell on Jacob, I dwell on Matt, and I dwell on the oncoming storm that will eventually swallow me. It will spit me out and all that will be left of me are my memories and an inability to love that will be so totally all encompassing that I will remain bitter forever. Yes, I can reach new and amazing heights of bitter. My potential bitterness is astounding. The likes of which the world has never seen. So, I approach dating with shield and sword mentality. Protect and strike. Circle and parry. Buy cats and die alone. Have face eaten off by said cats. Reincarnate and repeat process. Or not. Time will tell.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow feels empty for me. Life has a way of making me brave enough to put myself out there only to get hurt and retreat into myself. I'm trying though. I promised myself I wouldn't run and hide anymore. I deserve to know where living my life can take me. So I'll stay brave for now. I'll give second chances. I'll try harder to get back on track with the things I owe to myself. I'll forget the past and use this time to start anew. I'm going to read more, write more, love more, and learn more. Not because I think this will change me, but because on top of what I NEED to do for myself, these are things I want and crave for myself. The only way I'm going to get there is knowing when to buckle down and when to let go. So even though today my tomorrow feels empty, I know will actually bring a new chance to be what I want, and not what I'm expecting I'll be. I just sometimes forget to use what's given to me.

Habits

So if you saw my last post, it seemed as if things were looking up... right? Yeah, they seemed to be looking up to me as well, but looks can be deceiving. My life can be tricky at times. My job has been rough lately, school was pushed back, and when I thought that I had found someone who would accept me for all my flaws... well I didn't. It sucks because we had SO much in common, but it was so far from a normal relationship. I had to put up with a lot of jealousy, insecurities, and hypocritical scenarios. Still, I gave way too many chances for an early relationship because of the chemistry between us. It seemed that when we were together everything was great. We would have fun, it was laid back and it felt great. When I would leave, things would go downhill fast. One scenario that turned things sour for me that I just didn't really recover from was when I took a nap and I got accused of cheating because I didn't answer calls and texts. I understood what I was getting into dating a younger guy but it isn't cute to admit to and give into your insecurities freely. I get it, spell out your damages before they found out, it's self perseverance at it's finest I guess. Except when you say, "I'm gonna push you away." well you've set in motion in your own head that this is what's going to happen. You can't go back from that. I tried my best to earn his trust and even pushed things along to create these perfect scenarios to combat the bad ones. Again, I came out looking like a joke, and I'm here on my blog whining about another guy I claim didn't appreciate me, but I'm feeling like Taylor Swift right now. Maybe I'm broken somehow and I'm not nearly as good looking, witty, or charming as I think. Maybe I'm a horrible boyfriend. Maybe I rushed into this relationship too quickly. When I broke up with my new boyfriend all these familiar and horrible emotions resurfaced from my breakup with my old boyfriend and I had a panic attack on my floor. I know, it's cute, I'm husband material over here, not broken at all, but it's a sad truth. I thought I was going to die, and I burst into tears. Not because I missed Ex #1 or even that I was devastated from ex #2 (I mean, I WAS, but not panic attack/death devastated) but because it just made me feel worthless and stupid again. It made me feel just as little and clueless as I was a few months ago when my world crumbled. I felt helpless to the whims and issues of another man, but I'm proud that I refused to be told how to live my life and not have my life compromised for the sake of some fairy tale ending that is stained by the sticky fingers of childhood ideas. So I laid on the floor and died and let myself die a little. Afterwards though I smiled. Not out of spite or happiness, but because I know these things aren't the end of me. Hell, maybe these aren't the end of my relationship with these people, but I'm learning what I need from life and love. The pieces of me that are dead are the pieces I didn't need. They are the pieces I gave too willingly. They aren't the pieces I needed to be human, to be loved. No, THOSE pieces are the reasons I love myself, the pieces that will lead me to Mr. Right, but most of all, they were the pieces you glimpsed and decided it wasn't enough, proving to me that I don't know what I'm doing yet. That idea made me smile because one day I'll get it right, and things will click. Maybe not tomorrow, or next month, or even in the next few years, but I'm getting closer to knowing what I deserve because I'm breaking my habit of running away from the good things and fighting for the bad things. I just have to get the timing right.