The Enemy

It's been a minute since I've written here. I get a bit distracted with life and a few of my other projects. It's important for me to come here and vent. To say what's on my mind and get it out my muddled dome. Things have been interesting to say the least. So lets just get to it. I really like this guy. Epic like. Future like. The problem is that he doesn't like me. I know he doesn't and if he does, he really has no clue how to show me. I've been really patient. Eventually I had to end things and in Garden State fashion I put a fucking ellipsis on the whole thing. We talk, but it's a matter of time before things fade off. It sucks, but it's what's right. It's good to miss someone before ever knowing their potential in your life. It's safe. And I'm an idiot, I know, shut up.

I've already given up and grieved this guy, knowing that if he wanted to get serious, I would be next to him in a second. It's all very pathetic. Still, I've done my best to attempt normalcy in my life. I spent the last week talking to a few new people. Went out on a couple dates. Most of them weren't the best of dating experiences. I keep things friendly because I know that if things went anywhere else, I could ruin my chances with my original pick. I have strict rules! No sex. No adding each other on social networks. I have a general rule about not giving new love interests my Tumblr. Recipe for disaster is an understatement. My mantra is, "Stay positive, keep an open mind, a subtle heart, and protect your worth." and it's paying off. If I keep smiling and retain a positive outlook, people pick up on that. I also realize that the situation with this guy I like isn't the equivalent to love. Love creates a need to sacrifice and compromise. So, I keep my mind open to the idea that love could still be out there, and if I get the chance to pick up where me and him left off, that could also be love. Which leads me to my next piece. Don't feel too deeply for anyone just yet. I'm in a cautionary stage and I can't compromise myself for suspicions of feelings. Which is the last part of my mantra. I'm worth love. All of it. Every single amount of love anyone has ever felt may not be owed to me by anyone other than me, but that doesn't give anyone the right to treat me like shit. I need to learn when to let go. My relationship with Matt taught me that things will fall apart regardless of me taking action or not.

I don't have anything figured out. If I ever claim to, I'm either a very different person or I'm senile. I may already feel a bit senile. I talk big here.... I really do, but I'm always crumbling. I crumble every single day. I dwell on this guy I have a crush on, I dwell on Jacob, I dwell on Matt, and I dwell on the oncoming storm that will eventually swallow me. It will spit me out and all that will be left of me are my memories and an inability to love that will be so totally all encompassing that I will remain bitter forever. Yes, I can reach new and amazing heights of bitter. My potential bitterness is astounding. The likes of which the world has never seen. So, I approach dating with shield and sword mentality. Protect and strike. Circle and parry. Buy cats and die alone. Have face eaten off by said cats. Reincarnate and repeat process. Or not. Time will tell.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow feels empty for me. Life has a way of making me brave enough to put myself out there only to get hurt and retreat into myself. I'm trying though. I promised myself I wouldn't run and hide anymore. I deserve to know where living my life can take me. So I'll stay brave for now. I'll give second chances. I'll try harder to get back on track with the things I owe to myself. I'll forget the past and use this time to start anew. I'm going to read more, write more, love more, and learn more. Not because I think this will change me, but because on top of what I NEED to do for myself, these are things I want and crave for myself. The only way I'm going to get there is knowing when to buckle down and when to let go. So even though today my tomorrow feels empty, I know will actually bring a new chance to be what I want, and not what I'm expecting I'll be. I just sometimes forget to use what's given to me.

Habits

So if you saw my last post, it seemed as if things were looking up... right? Yeah, they seemed to be looking up to me as well, but looks can be deceiving. My life can be tricky at times. My job has been rough lately, school was pushed back, and when I thought that I had found someone who would accept me for all my flaws... well I didn't. It sucks because we had SO much in common, but it was so far from a normal relationship. I had to put up with a lot of jealousy, insecurities, and hypocritical scenarios. Still, I gave way too many chances for an early relationship because of the chemistry between us. It seemed that when we were together everything was great. We would have fun, it was laid back and it felt great. When I would leave, things would go downhill fast. One scenario that turned things sour for me that I just didn't really recover from was when I took a nap and I got accused of cheating because I didn't answer calls and texts. I understood what I was getting into dating a younger guy but it isn't cute to admit to and give into your insecurities freely. I get it, spell out your damages before they found out, it's self perseverance at it's finest I guess. Except when you say, "I'm gonna push you away." well you've set in motion in your own head that this is what's going to happen. You can't go back from that. I tried my best to earn his trust and even pushed things along to create these perfect scenarios to combat the bad ones. Again, I came out looking like a joke, and I'm here on my blog whining about another guy I claim didn't appreciate me, but I'm feeling like Taylor Swift right now. Maybe I'm broken somehow and I'm not nearly as good looking, witty, or charming as I think. Maybe I'm a horrible boyfriend. Maybe I rushed into this relationship too quickly. When I broke up with my new boyfriend all these familiar and horrible emotions resurfaced from my breakup with my old boyfriend and I had a panic attack on my floor. I know, it's cute, I'm husband material over here, not broken at all, but it's a sad truth. I thought I was going to die, and I burst into tears. Not because I missed Ex #1 or even that I was devastated from ex #2 (I mean, I WAS, but not panic attack/death devastated) but because it just made me feel worthless and stupid again. It made me feel just as little and clueless as I was a few months ago when my world crumbled. I felt helpless to the whims and issues of another man, but I'm proud that I refused to be told how to live my life and not have my life compromised for the sake of some fairy tale ending that is stained by the sticky fingers of childhood ideas. So I laid on the floor and died and let myself die a little. Afterwards though I smiled. Not out of spite or happiness, but because I know these things aren't the end of me. Hell, maybe these aren't the end of my relationship with these people, but I'm learning what I need from life and love. The pieces of me that are dead are the pieces I didn't need. They are the pieces I gave too willingly. They aren't the pieces I needed to be human, to be loved. No, THOSE pieces are the reasons I love myself, the pieces that will lead me to Mr. Right, but most of all, they were the pieces you glimpsed and decided it wasn't enough, proving to me that I don't know what I'm doing yet. That idea made me smile because one day I'll get it right, and things will click. Maybe not tomorrow, or next month, or even in the next few years, but I'm getting closer to knowing what I deserve because I'm breaking my habit of running away from the good things and fighting for the bad things. I just have to get the timing right.

Over the Horizon

It's been a while since I've updated my blog. It blows me away that I have a small audience now, and I'm sorry for the delay. So a quick update is needed. My new job is going well, I'm learning quickly and I'm finding that I might just get a set schedule if things work out right. If that is indeed the case, I can get a weekend job and my morning classes at University of New Mexico will be a breeze. I can make the trip back to Arizona in about three weeks, and I'll finally have my car and furniture here. I'm seriously debating a getting a roommate, but everyone I know that also needs one doesn't really match up well. Plus, the last roommate situation was a catastrophe of the worst kind.

I've started dating again... or rather, I WAS dating and quickly found a really great guy. Yep, I know all the rules, guidelines, and things I should keep in mind while post breakup. But I have to be honest. 2012 was a rough year, and when you just KNOW things are over, you mourn it before the hammer even falls. That's what I did. I got asked, "How do you get over being heartbroken so fast if you really loved your ex?" and It's simple. I was heartbroken before. Sick from it and sick of it. I wouldn't have gone out on dates if I didn't think I was ready, and I have this knack for finding these really great guys. Before I would have just gone out, had fun, and thought to myself, "He was awesome, he will make a really great boyfriend for someone." but when I found that here I quickly picked up on it and made it a thing. I don't regret it. No illusions either. It's becoming one of my favorite risks so far. I even feel guilty for calling it a risk because it's proven to be anything but a risk. Still, at the start I was so unsure of even heading down monogamy road, but we are keeping it simple, fun, honest, and it works. Yes, I'm being vague, for reasons beyond my control. No, it isn't because he isn't out or something like that.

So, that's about it. No fancy words or metaphors. Have a great May everyone, and if I don't talk to you, May the 4th be with you (because Star Wars)

Life

The unexpected is the eternal mystery of life. We can prepare for every eventuality, and still live our lives in a total state of shock. Or, we can live our lives fast and search out adventure, and become bored to tears. The spectrum of life, the measurement of living isn't individually dictated by a higher being. It's being dictated in our decisions. I've always liked the idea of some omnipotent presence guiding my life, but I think the romantic idea of it all was rubbed away when life started throwing curve balls. When we let go, and stop trying to steer, things go wrong. That wasn't how I was supposed to live my life. That isn't even living. It isn't any surprise when I start driving my life, things start falling into place. People start showing up to care, because I started showing up for life. I felt like I was in an ocean, blind from the sun, and the waves were pushing me back, crashing against me. All I had to do was start swimming in a different direction. It felt like I was swimming for a boat in the distance, and I didn't have a clue that I had land to my back. Perspective is everything. If something doesn't work, change it, fix it, or ditch it. I kept trying to do one of those things, and forgot about the other two options. I'm glad for the change now and it's easier to continue to make these changes. The change of scenery, the change of pace, and most of all, the change of people. A few in particular have been too good to me to be true. I'm on my own little island with a few good people surrounding me, and I'm starting to realize that THIS is the time of my life and I am my own salvation. This is life, and not living halfway. Most of all, I deserve these good situations, people, and feelings. I'm dropping my barriers, I don't have room for them in my life. Just truths and honesty.

Pride

Expectations of the future and reminders of the past are often my undoing. I can certainly go my entire life without them, but my expectations are my fuel, and my past is what defines me. I'm not even sure how many times I've said it, but I'm not perfect. I'm not trying to be and I really don't want to be. Perfection sounds horribly boring to me. My imperfections ALWAYS come back to haunt me though. I've never taken the easy route and my life rewards me with the toughest of consequences sometimes. My honesty scares people away, my dreams are often met with eye rolls, and people tend to give me those talks about what should be done with my life. Everybody seems to know better. Everyone seems to know exactly who I am without giving me any hints as to what that may be. Still, all the push back gives me the motivation that I need. I thrive off of the negative feedback. I love proving someone wrong, and I'm often pretty good at it. Sometimes I have to remind people to mind their own business. To not worry about me. I'm an extremely strong person. I don't do anything half way, so when I say something, I mean it.

Let's get down to business. Is a month long enough to get over an earth shattering revelation that the person you love doesn't love you back? The answer is simple, but not easily explained. The short answer is yes, when it should obviously be no. The long answer is that when you've known someone doesn't love you back, you are already grieving the loss. You are already broken up. So, I spent a very short amount of time being upset about it, because even if I wanted to do something about it, what could I do but suck it up, and move on? My blog will always be an exaggeration of my emotions. It's where I go to spill my rawest of emotions, often unedited. So take the emotion with a grain of salt, but never the words.

Found

Life sucks. We grow up being told as children that we will understand as we get older. That we just don't understand, we were only just kids after all. I was so far from prepared for the reality. This is the secret that they don't tell us. The truth. When we get older, things still don't make sense, and the only thing we didn't understand as a child was that we have to make these shitty decisions, and live with the consequences. Maybe our elders were just frustrated with this same reality... so they try to spare our younger selves from the pain of this reality for just a while longer?

Yes, life sucks, and through this journey, I'm discovering just how much... yet... there is so much to know, to see, and to feel. Every time I fall down and want to give up, a small miracle comes around. Maybe life is a never ending circle of falling and getting back up. A circle of horrible decisions, getting as low as possible, and a small miracle saving us from ourselves. I feel like, for the first time, I'm finally making wise decisions. Decisions for myself that will benefit me long term. I feel like I'm surrounding myself with people that will matter. Frankly, people that will stick around. I'm making friends that like me for me, and don't judge me for what I am and am not. Still, I don't put stock in people anymore. It's hard not to think like that.

I had to start feeling like I'm enough. Battle scars and all. A complete misunderstanding how life should work, and what I should expect from people. An utter lack of knowledge about this world and how it works. A false sense of love for people that aren't related to me. I'll still fuck up. I'm still far from perfect. I'm enough for me, and that's what matters for now.