Saturday, March 8, 2014


This is what I do.

It's a pretty simple dating plan. I talk to a boy that I like, and if something develops, I pursue dates. I usually have to feel some bit of a spark before I ask for that date though. It really takes the guess work out of everything, because I know where I'm going with things. I just have one issue and it's a big one. I always want the ones that don't want me. It sucks. You live in another city, well I'm gonna become really attracted to you. You are emotionally unavailable. Oh man, you're very important to me. Here's the fucked up part... you're the definition of attractive to me, we have so much in common, and you are genuinely interested... I can't stop thinking about Mr. Emotionally unavailable instead of you. Why? Because my ego is everything and I have something to prove to myself. I need someone to need me. I want someone to say that they can't live without me. That they have been searching for me for their whole lives. This never happens though. I'm not sure why not. Maybe it's because these types of scenarios are rare. I refuse to believe it's because I don't deserve it. I always really enjoy the difficult path. The path less chosen.

So I've start to distance myself from these guys. I pull away, and they honestly seem OK with it. That hurts. It's a necessary hurt but it still sucks. I don't want to be someone you can easily forget and that's what I feel like. So I'm giving up. I'm letting these guys burn out or turn it around, but I'm giving this new guy the most honest shot I've given anyone so far. No distractions. I deleted my dating profiles, and I've stayed away from texting these other guys. They aren't worth my time, and to be honest, this new situation could be good. I haven't really dated anyone like him. So I gave myself time to let go of old baggage and I'm ready to get into something new. I can't keep getting caught up in other peoples baggage. I do it all the time and I start asking myself what I did wrong, when it's never been my fault! Here's to new and exciting things. No regrets!

Saturday, March 1, 2014


I have the good fortune to know one of the greatest people in the world. He's my best friend and has been through a crazy year much like myself. In fact, our lives mirror each others in unexpected ways. He's my brother from another mother and what he's meant to me this last year is beyond words. I just came back from DC visiting him. He's met a great guy and they are raising a young son together. I loved that idea. A little family. One thing a trip does sometimes is put things in perspective and boy did I have an epiphany. I've been on the hook with my crush long enough. So I've been putting my energy into something that was developing even before my crush. It started as something friendly, but since me and the crush got caught in this friend zone it's been developing into something more. All this was put into perspective when I put some distance between me and the situation. I realized that I deserve to put my own energy into the situations that made me happy. If I'm unhappy in a situation, I should change it. Last night I had a similar discussion with a friend. He's unhappy with a situation but wanting to work through it. In my head I thought, "I'm not this passionate about my current situation of unhappiness..." and it dawned on me that I'd already let go. Maybe it happened in DC, or even before that. Who knows. I needed a sign that something was still developing with my crush, and I wasn't given that. So here I am but I don't want to say I'm starting over. It doesn't feel like it.