Thursday, February 20, 2014

Motivation Through Stagnation

I've been in a rut. Not my typical, shit is being flung around from the fan type of issues though. These issues don't devastate me for weeks on end like the issues of three months ago. I try really hard to maintain healthy relationships, to slowly lose weight, and motivate myself to doing something productive daily. It's a baby step challenge system, but it's what I need. Struggling with the social issues that I do, this is pure evolution for me. I feel like a horribly named superhero sometimes. Call me social anxiety man, or something similar. I knew I was getting stuck again, and I'm taking action before things get incredibly bad. Sure, I'm making friends, going on dates, giving love a chance, and also taking chances to improve my life. If not now, when? It's what I keep telling myself. I kick myself for not sticking to my education plan, but my new plan is worth the failures of my past. To be honest, every "today" is worth the failures of my past. Life has taken me to so many insane places.

School ramps back up soon, and again I'm finding myself struggling to fund the project. I'm a very prideful man, so I never ask for help. Even if my pride didn't get in the way, I've never actually asked for help before, and never had the option available to me. On top of that, the guy I'm crushing on has come around again. He's said some compelling words, and I'm back on his hook. Still, he vanishes right after. He gives me enough to vanish for a while. It's hurtful and I'm not sure what to do about it. Still, as I mentioned above, I'm still dating, and I have this insane ability to find some really fantastic guys. I don't know if any of these guys are going to stick around or if I even want them too, but honestly I would be lucky if one of them did. Still, I stay guarded and await those magic words from my crush that will send me into future plans mode. I wish for exclusivity and honest feelings. I'm struggling to stay above water here, but it's easier than it's ever been.

I look to the future with a mixture of bittersweet optimism. The future is empty, but I'm making plans to fill it. Finally, I'm starting to see the future I've planned take shape. With no expectation of someone else next to me. I'm still looking for that person who is willing to share that future alongside me, but I'm not devastated that the search continues. If true love was easy and abundant, everyone would have it. If motivation was easy, everyone would be successful. We have to choose to make the trip before we can choose to arrive at our destination. This is me choosing.

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