It's been a minute since I've written here. I get a bit distracted with life and a few of my other projects. It's important for me to come here and vent. To say what's on my mind and get it out my muddled dome. Things have been interesting to say the least. So lets just get to it. I really like this guy. Epic like. Future like. The problem is that he doesn't like me. I know he doesn't and if he does, he really has no clue how to show me. I've been really patient. Eventually I had to end things and in Garden State fashion I put a fucking ellipsis on the whole thing. We talk, but it's a matter of time before things fade off. It sucks, but it's what's right. It's good to miss someone before ever knowing their potential in your life. It's safe. And I'm an idiot, I know, shut up.
I've already given up and grieved this guy, knowing that if he wanted to get serious, I would be next to him in a second. It's all very pathetic. Still, I've done my best to attempt normalcy in my life. I spent the last week talking to a few new people. Went out on a couple dates. Most of them weren't the best of dating experiences. I keep things friendly because I know that if things went anywhere else, I could ruin my chances with my original pick. I have strict rules! No sex. No adding each other on social networks. I have a general rule about not giving new love interests my Tumblr. Recipe for disaster is an understatement. My mantra is, "Stay positive, keep an open mind, a subtle heart, and protect your worth." and it's paying off. If I keep smiling and retain a positive outlook, people pick up on that. I also realize that the situation with this guy I like isn't the equivalent to love. Love creates a need to sacrifice and compromise. So, I keep my mind open to the idea that love could still be out there, and if I get the chance to pick up where me and him left off, that could also be love. Which leads me to my next piece. Don't feel too deeply for anyone just yet. I'm in a cautionary stage and I can't compromise myself for suspicions of feelings. Which is the last part of my mantra. I'm worth love. All of it. Every single amount of love anyone has ever felt may not be owed to me by anyone other than me, but that doesn't give anyone the right to treat me like shit. I need to learn when to let go. My relationship with Matt taught me that things will fall apart regardless of me taking action or not.
I don't have anything figured out. If I ever claim to, I'm either a very different person or I'm senile. I may already feel a bit senile. I talk big here.... I really do, but I'm always crumbling. I crumble every single day. I dwell on this guy I have a crush on, I dwell on Jacob, I dwell on Matt, and I dwell on the oncoming storm that will eventually swallow me. It will spit me out and all that will be left of me are my memories and an inability to love that will be so totally all encompassing that I will remain bitter forever. Yes, I can reach new and amazing heights of bitter. My potential bitterness is astounding. The likes of which the world has never seen. So, I approach dating with shield and sword mentality. Protect and strike. Circle and parry. Buy cats and die alone. Have face eaten off by said cats. Reincarnate and repeat process. Or not. Time will tell.