Thursday, February 28, 2013


I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to write here. I'm not even sure what's going to be said when I'm done. All I know is that for too long I've stayed silent. I've fought for causes that didn't need more soldiers, and defended people who should be defending themselves. All this time, all this growing and even though I've grown selfless socially, I've stayed just as much a mystery to myself as to everyone around me. It's funny how we fool ourselves. How we create this persona for people to see and to be judged on. We take those judgements and we put so much stock in it. We pretend it doesn't hurt to be these things people want, and each time we do this we lose ourselves a bit more. I've lost myself. Completely. 

I've lied, I've argued, and worst of all I became dependent.

It must be tough to live with me, I'm not denying that for a second. I'm headstrong, stubborn, sarcastic, and prideful. It's that last one that gets me. I guess I thought I was owed something after all this time. I thought I was owed time and love. That all these selfless acts and worrying about people would amount to something. But it isn't enough. Well wishes aren't enough. I knew this but I wasn't going to change until I SAW change.... until I felt it, because I thought I was owed it. We got stuck. Damn we got so stuck.

I won't take all the blame in this, I refuse to, because I still believe that love should be enough. That love should have fueled that never asked question, "What's wrong?", but it's also foolish of me to think that love would have fueled the true answer, "Me."

I haven't been right for a while and I should have been honest, and you would think that I would have learned from past mistakes! I'll blame that on my pride. I can't say "I lied to you"... that I couldn't get out of bed today. Or that I can't sleep next to you because I cry myself to sleep and I make sure you can't hear me. That I hurt everyday and I expected you to make me better... but you weren't the problem. How selfish of a thought right? That's the problem within me I guess. My life crumbled and you stayed by my side for a long time, trying to motivate me to do what was right with myself. I've even villainized you in my head. Making you out to be the bad guy. The one who fell out of love with me when, let's face it, I fell out of loving me. We've both made mistakes, but I can't keep apologizing for mine... because when the days go by so fast that you don't know if it's night or day, it's hard to remember to just fucking TRY. It's hard to know that you've made those mistakes. For that, I will forever be sorry. Not just to you, but to myself, because I promised to never be that person.

I've been crying the last year beside you because I hate what I turned us into. I hate what I turned myself into. I fucking despise what I turned you into. Who thinks those things about someone they love?! I've been crying in silence the last two days because I've disappointed myself. I haven't wanted to talk because I knew I would say things I didn't mean, and I knew I wouldn't listen.

I need to start helping myself... I just wish I knew where to start.

There are a few things I know for certain. Fuck, you hurt me. You ripped my goddamn heart out and I've never felt more unwanted and stupid in my entire life. I feel so wasted. So drained and dry of emotion because my head and heart have been such a roller coaster the last year culminating to this. These crazy thoughts, what ifs, and never agains. I want off the roller coaster. I'm spent. 

I deserve love. I deserve a life I've built instead of watching you build one I thought was for us. How naive of me. In my head I was the romantic writer, and you were the tall stalwart caring man who would love me no matter what. But what good are these stories in my head when everyone has a breaking point? And why does it always take me so long to learn these life lessons? I feel like I'm always playing catch up intellectually, socially, and personally. Lesson learned I guess.

But I know I can't run anymore. I can't hide from myself or you. I don't have the energy to do it anymore and expect myself to have the energy to come back from it. Each day it's getting harder to come back from this. I've always claimed to be an open book... what good is a book without heart?

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