Motivation Through Stagnation

I've been in a rut. Not my typical, shit is being flung around from the fan type of issues though. These issues don't devastate me for weeks on end like the issues of three months ago. I try really hard to maintain healthy relationships, to slowly lose weight, and motivate myself to doing something productive daily. It's a baby step challenge system, but it's what I need. Struggling with the social issues that I do, this is pure evolution for me. I feel like a horribly named superhero sometimes. Call me social anxiety man, or something similar. I knew I was getting stuck again, and I'm taking action before things get incredibly bad. Sure, I'm making friends, going on dates, giving love a chance, and also taking chances to improve my life. If not now, when? It's what I keep telling myself. I kick myself for not sticking to my education plan, but my new plan is worth the failures of my past. To be honest, every "today" is worth the failures of my past. Life has taken me to so many insane places.

School ramps back up soon, and again I'm finding myself struggling to fund the project. I'm a very prideful man, so I never ask for help. Even if my pride didn't get in the way, I've never actually asked for help before, and never had the option available to me. On top of that, the guy I'm crushing on has come around again. He's said some compelling words, and I'm back on his hook. Still, he vanishes right after. He gives me enough to vanish for a while. It's hurtful and I'm not sure what to do about it. Still, as I mentioned above, I'm still dating, and I have this insane ability to find some really fantastic guys. I don't know if any of these guys are going to stick around or if I even want them too, but honestly I would be lucky if one of them did. Still, I stay guarded and await those magic words from my crush that will send me into future plans mode. I wish for exclusivity and honest feelings. I'm struggling to stay above water here, but it's easier than it's ever been.

I look to the future with a mixture of bittersweet optimism. The future is empty, but I'm making plans to fill it. Finally, I'm starting to see the future I've planned take shape. With no expectation of someone else next to me. I'm still looking for that person who is willing to share that future alongside me, but I'm not devastated that the search continues. If true love was easy and abundant, everyone would have it. If motivation was easy, everyone would be successful. We have to choose to make the trip before we can choose to arrive at our destination. This is me choosing.

Enlightened Roadblocks

(Prepare yourself, this one feels like a mess)

I think one of the issues with knowing yourself is the constant pain of knowing what isn't healthy alongside you. I've worked really hard getting to know myself and often times I feel like my only reward for this is the universe introducing opposite forces. People so different and opposite that I long to be ignorant. Ignorance is bliss after all. That's what they say, but ignorance is just ignorance and romanticizing it seems dangerous somehow. I've always been of the mindset that observation brings knowledge, but what we see can only be processed when we've touched and experienced alongside someone. These experiences bring about emotion unfortunately, and that's where my problems reside. I'm too emotional. It's something I've attempted to change about myself or even attempt to understand why I get connected with people the way I do. I don't know when it started because as a child I never connected with people. I found it hard to be emotionally available and my ignorance about the lives around me kept me safe to a degree. I began opening up somewhere around my teenage years and it's taken me a long time to truly feel connected with people the way that others do. Somewhere around falling in and out of love and losing a best friend, I began to collect emotions. Loving people too hard and too quickly. These silly ideas in my head about feeling and observing the way I do often haunt me. Catching the nuances of humanity and falling in love with the details.

Still, these things are important to me, and even if they carry me away to places nobody should go, I will cherish them. Not because these things are bad, but because we can't love everyone, and often times most people will hurt you. By you, I mean me. I'm not a special little snowflake. I'm a sappy little selfish asshole, and I don't condone my behavior. Still, I believe in love, and I believe in loving with everything you have. Don't ever use anyone for your own emotional gain; just observe. Notice the little things about humanity that makes it amazing. Love the little things about people and tell them that you love the little nose wrinkle someone gets when they laugh. Admire how the morning light hits their eyes. They way they look down when they laugh and when they look up their face is filled with pure happiness. Share your moments with someone and don't be afraid to look over at them and say, "I'll always remember this." Because if someone is feeling the same way and they are too afraid to say it, you will have silenced that fear. Don't miss out on something great because you're too afraid to say something brave. So, yes, I love too much. I've tried to change that once, and it may sometimes be an issue. Today, I embrace my large stupid heart. I embrace the mess it leaves behind sometimes too.

The Enemy

It's been a minute since I've written here. I get a bit distracted with life and a few of my other projects. It's important for me to come here and vent. To say what's on my mind and get it out my muddled dome. Things have been interesting to say the least. So lets just get to it. I really like this guy. Epic like. Future like. The problem is that he doesn't like me. I know he doesn't and if he does, he really has no clue how to show me. I've been really patient. Eventually I had to end things and in Garden State fashion I put a fucking ellipsis on the whole thing. We talk, but it's a matter of time before things fade off. It sucks, but it's what's right. It's good to miss someone before ever knowing their potential in your life. It's safe. And I'm an idiot, I know, shut up.

I've already given up and grieved this guy, knowing that if he wanted to get serious, I would be next to him in a second. It's all very pathetic. Still, I've done my best to attempt normalcy in my life. I spent the last week talking to a few new people. Went out on a couple dates. Most of them weren't the best of dating experiences. I keep things friendly because I know that if things went anywhere else, I could ruin my chances with my original pick. I have strict rules! No sex. No adding each other on social networks. I have a general rule about not giving new love interests my Tumblr. Recipe for disaster is an understatement. My mantra is, "Stay positive, keep an open mind, a subtle heart, and protect your worth." and it's paying off. If I keep smiling and retain a positive outlook, people pick up on that. I also realize that the situation with this guy I like isn't the equivalent to love. Love creates a need to sacrifice and compromise. So, I keep my mind open to the idea that love could still be out there, and if I get the chance to pick up where me and him left off, that could also be love. Which leads me to my next piece. Don't feel too deeply for anyone just yet. I'm in a cautionary stage and I can't compromise myself for suspicions of feelings. Which is the last part of my mantra. I'm worth love. All of it. Every single amount of love anyone has ever felt may not be owed to me by anyone other than me, but that doesn't give anyone the right to treat me like shit. I need to learn when to let go. My relationship with Matt taught me that things will fall apart regardless of me taking action or not.

I don't have anything figured out. If I ever claim to, I'm either a very different person or I'm senile. I may already feel a bit senile. I talk big here.... I really do, but I'm always crumbling. I crumble every single day. I dwell on this guy I have a crush on, I dwell on Jacob, I dwell on Matt, and I dwell on the oncoming storm that will eventually swallow me. It will spit me out and all that will be left of me are my memories and an inability to love that will be so totally all encompassing that I will remain bitter forever. Yes, I can reach new and amazing heights of bitter. My potential bitterness is astounding. The likes of which the world has never seen. So, I approach dating with shield and sword mentality. Protect and strike. Circle and parry. Buy cats and die alone. Have face eaten off by said cats. Reincarnate and repeat process. Or not. Time will tell.