Monday, August 6, 2012

Time Gone By

Do you remember being a kid vividly? I don't. Not vividly at least. I have memories I would rather forget from my childhood, and awkward times that should be forgotten. My memory banks are filled with such memories, and I struggle to remember better times. That isn't to say I don't have good memories. 

One memory in particular is the trip that brought me and my older sister together. She was at that age where she was too cool for everything, and I was fast approaching the mindset. I was a bit of a child recluse and didn't care for human interaction in any fashion. I remember thinking very little of my sister, that's for certain. Being cramped in a backseat for a drive through Texas I guess forces you to address such issues, and we did. My Mom and Step-Dad felt that we were old enough to have our own hotel rooms during the trip, and within those dirty rooms and cramped back seats we found our common ground. She was the first to talk to me, and she was the first I spoke to. Really spoke to. Even when it was nonsense and jokes, we spoke truths. We took a trip to Sea-World but it isn't the dolphins I remember.

Of course for every bond making trip... there is my Grandma suddenly taking ill. After beating cancer and all manner of diversity, she passed so quickly. One of the hardest moments of my life. I will never forget how our family came together, and how I finally realized that this guy I was seeing meant so much to me. Death does that to a person I guess. It puts things into perspective. I hadn't exactly examined the longevity of my relationships... and when it hit me that I am given a finite amount of time with people, I realized who I couldn't live without. All these years later, through pain, struggling, and fights, I am still so deeply in love. Nobody can ever replace what he means to me, and what he has done for me as a person.

I think, like most people, I started taking people for granted pretty early in life. Believing that everyone would be around to chastise me when I took things too far. You know when people say that as you get older you will realize what everyone was trying to tell you all along. Fuck that's true, and it's always in hindsight. It's really an adults final spit in the face... but not out of spite, just concern and knowledge. My life changed when my Stepfather died of cancer. He made me promise that I would do something with my life, because up to that point, I hadn't done much. That's enough to send anyone into a deep depression of self loathing. I know that wasn't his intention, I never questioned that, but it was all the other questions that ruined me. I was still young, I knew I was smarter than most teens, but I was losing interest in... well... everything. He saw me fading in obscurity and being OK with it. Can you imagine, the last words of the man who raised you basically saying, "I know you are better than this." and knowing he's right. It's like someone waving the finished picture of a puzzle, telling you that they know you can do it, and then vanishing with that picture. I stared at the puzzle for a long time. We all have a puzzle to finish though, and it's silly to feel lost within it. I wrote in a blog a long time ago, "I feel so old sometimes, like I have lived forever, but I'm still learning... growing... changing. Sometimes still a stranger to myself." I guess I don't feel like a stranger anymore. I've learned, grown, and changed SO much... but to look inward and see so much room for growth. It's a bit exciting... and I know there will be pain. I know I will lose my way a couple times, because that's what I do, but I know now what's important to me. What will get me through. I know I will always have my memories and one day soon I will keep my promise my Stepfather, but not just for him... Because I know I deserve good things now. Even when the bad memories cut deepest, I draw my strength from the good, and with that knowledge nobody can stop me. Not even me.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

My first B-Day "party"....

Growing up with four siblings wasn't something enjoyable. While I love every single brother and sister I have, it was tough to be heard with all the over-powering personalities in the house. As I got older, and my brothers decided to live with my father, it got easier but I was still surrounded by three females. Three loud, and opinionated females. My older sister was a popular bitch, so she got what she wanted, when she wanted it. My little sister was the baby, and she was treated like one until the adults didn't want to take care of the problems that came along with getting older. I know how sad that sounds, but it's true. My mother is a very emotionally driven woman in a lot of ways. She shops emotionally, she dates emotionally, and she lives her life emotionally. You know when she gets fed up because she lets everyone know it. Needless to say shes the grown up version of my older sister, just don't tell them that. There I was, for a long time the only boy in the house. I kept to myself, watched my family, and had a few friends at school. I was by no means, the popular guy though. So every year my birthday would come up and I would ask to do less and less. It wasn't that I hated getting older, I just knew what my family would turn it into. My mother would create a theme that would NEVER be true to me, my older sister would use it as an excuse to invite her friends (ultimately outnumbering my own) to take over, and my little sister would somehow be the center of attention in some dramatic way. So, I never had a birthday party growing up. Just some cake, ice cream, and a few presents at home. Of course my mother always took pity on me and gave me whatever I wanted, but I never asked for a lot. 

Lets skip forward a few years. My birthday lands on the most awkward of days (obviously) April 20th. Smokers holiday, Hitlers Birthday, and an astrological train wreck! I knew what I WANTED to do, but my partner was hellbent on creating a fun environment for me. Bless him, I love him to death, but he just did not understand my inner plight. He started creating a surprise Birthday party with some newer friends of ours, and I quickly dashed that dream. While the intention was appreciated, my awkward life would never allow it. It finds ways to embarrass me at inopportune times. So, knowing that my partner wouldn't be dropping the subject, I took charge. He asked what I wanted to do, and boy did I answer. If he wanted people over, fine, but my day was NOT changing. I had a day of food and video games all planned out! So it was hot dogs, hamburgers, and Halo 3. Who was invited? Only the people who I play games with on pretty much a daily basis. I allowed one exception in the form of a friend of his choosing. Call me stubborn, call me a party pooper, but I had fun on my terms. I didn't invite a lot of people, and if you are one and you stumbled upon my blog, I apologize, but I'm sure you are already aware of aversion to parties. Thank you for understanding in advance, and know I love you. :D

Even with my careful planning, subtle passive aggressive planning, and not so subtle passive aggressive planning, my partner STILL had his way with the party planning. He ordered balloons, put up streamers, banners, and had a cake planned. It was a bit much for me, so I added personal touches to each of the decorations. I'm not controlling....

Still, this small party was fun! I had my brother stop by and my nephew swung by for a bit as well. My nephews are hardcore gamers, I love them to death, but only one of them lives here in AZ. So he came by and played a few rounds with us. I had a lot of fun. I'm sure anyone reading this is going to think that all this sounds horrible, but I didn't want it to feel like a Birthday party, and I succeeded. So my first and very unorthodox Birthday party was awesome, and maybe next years (my 27th?!) will be a genuine Birthday party, if I can find enough balls to go through with it.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

The Morning After

So, if any of my readers have taken the time to check out my profile, I live with my partner of four years. He works hard and usually pretty late. Last night in particular was a late night, but he also stayed up later and watched movies after getting home. Of course he had to work today, and he knew this. Still, he wasn't expecting the early morning text message asking him to come in early. So, I'm here trying to figure out what the hell I'm going to make for breakfast, and trying to get the motivation to read and write. I was kind of hoping writing in my blog would give the motivation to figure out life in the AM. I have always been and always will be the worst kind of morning person.

*1 hour later*

Had to get something to eat and call back my brother and sister. I moved from New Mexico when I turned 18. Best decision of my life, but I do always enjoy a catch up phone call to hear about the drama. It's easier to laugh at the stupidity of others when there is distance. Not the stupidity of just my family either, good times.

Anyway, I'm currently reading a Game of Thrones, and should get back to that. I want to blaze through this book so I can watch the TV series on HBOgo while I read book two! Has anyone finished the books and watched the series? Let me know what you thought, but stay spoiler free please. 

Happy Thursday everyone!

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Day One

I don't have the best of memories. Not in the literal, past occurances sense, but in the remembering those occurances. So, in the hopes that my obsession for writing can serve an actual purpose I have begun many things at once. First, this blog. I have so many ideas and anecdotes on a daily basis, it's hard to keep track of them. Here I can email them, text them, or even video blog them. These are all things I intend to do regularly. You may be asking, "Why is he doing this, and more importantly, why should I care?". Well, this brings me to my second endeavour. Two, I'm creating a biographical timeline for a book. It's either going to be collaborative with my family, or if that falls through, independently on my own. Either way, I have begun to write this timeline. I took a picture, but the whole point of this blog I suppose is to create buzz. To tease in the idea of this book without giving the plot. It's safe to say that my timeline begins at my birth and ends in present day. I would hope that's obvious. Third, I deleted my other blogs, and I'm getting that empty feeling you get when you have so much to say to absolutely nobody in particular and nowhere to say it. Let's face it, journals and diaries are a bit dated. So, sadly this blog won't be a literary blog alone. You will hear me whine and rant quite regularly. I promise not to bore anyone too much. I also took the liberty of linking my Google+ account, so if you have any questions, want to get to know me, or just want to stalk me... by all means... I guess?

So lets get to what I'm getting at here. The book. OR books. Who knows just yet. Here's what I know of the project... This has been something I have wanted to do for a few years now, I have discussed it with my family members on multiple occasions. Recently, my mother has had a few revelations about her childhood, and suddenly has decided to write a book. Her story is a good one. In fact it's a story I had ALREADY written about once before. Of course, in part only, as the recent revelations flesh out this story fully. So, now in my writing mode, I have decided to compile a story from the childhood of my siblings. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem likely that my mother would want to include her story in a cooperative venture such as my idea. Instead she seems insistent on writing her story on her own. While this is fine, she must realize that as a series, or compilation, the story is stronger. Still, I cant force such ideas. I must let this one lie where it fell, and so I will. I figure I will continue my project, and convince her late into the project. For now I will have to continue what has been started. I am one of five children, and I have gotten all my other siblings more or less on board. Of course my older sister wants to do a reality show! Fuck that. My little sister and oldest brother are for sure on board. My other brother always seems distracted, and I'm not sure where he stands on the idea just yet. Still, if push comes to shove I can write to the best of my recollection, and go that route. Either way, I have waited to do this too long. It's time. Today was day one of writing, blogging, and minor interviews. Wish me luck.