Tomorrow

Tomorrow feels empty for me. Life has a way of making me brave enough to put myself out there only to get hurt and retreat into myself. I'm trying though. I promised myself I wouldn't run and hide anymore. I deserve to know where living my life can take me. So I'll stay brave for now. I'll give second chances. I'll try harder to get back on track with the things I owe to myself. I'll forget the past and use this time to start anew. I'm going to read more, write more, love more, and learn more. Not because I think this will change me, but because on top of what I NEED to do for myself, these are things I want and crave for myself. The only way I'm going to get there is knowing when to buckle down and when to let go. So even though today my tomorrow feels empty, I know will actually bring a new chance to be what I want, and not what I'm expecting I'll be. I just sometimes forget to use what's given to me.

Habits

So if you saw my last post, it seemed as if things were looking up... right? Yeah, they seemed to be looking up to me as well, but looks can be deceiving. My life can be tricky at times. My job has been rough lately, school was pushed back, and when I thought that I had found someone who would accept me for all my flaws... well I didn't. It sucks because we had SO much in common, but it was so far from a normal relationship. I had to put up with a lot of jealousy, insecurities, and hypocritical scenarios. Still, I gave way too many chances for an early relationship because of the chemistry between us. It seemed that when we were together everything was great. We would have fun, it was laid back and it felt great. When I would leave, things would go downhill fast. One scenario that turned things sour for me that I just didn't really recover from was when I took a nap and I got accused of cheating because I didn't answer calls and texts. I understood what I was getting into dating a younger guy but it isn't cute to admit to and give into your insecurities freely. I get it, spell out your damages before they found out, it's self perseverance at it's finest I guess. Except when you say, "I'm gonna push you away." well you've set in motion in your own head that this is what's going to happen. You can't go back from that. I tried my best to earn his trust and even pushed things along to create these perfect scenarios to combat the bad ones. Again, I came out looking like a joke, and I'm here on my blog whining about another guy I claim didn't appreciate me, but I'm feeling like Taylor Swift right now. Maybe I'm broken somehow and I'm not nearly as good looking, witty, or charming as I think. Maybe I'm a horrible boyfriend. Maybe I rushed into this relationship too quickly. When I broke up with my new boyfriend all these familiar and horrible emotions resurfaced from my breakup with my old boyfriend and I had a panic attack on my floor. I know, it's cute, I'm husband material over here, not broken at all, but it's a sad truth. I thought I was going to die, and I burst into tears. Not because I missed Ex #1 or even that I was devastated from ex #2 (I mean, I WAS, but not panic attack/death devastated) but because it just made me feel worthless and stupid again. It made me feel just as little and clueless as I was a few months ago when my world crumbled. I felt helpless to the whims and issues of another man, but I'm proud that I refused to be told how to live my life and not have my life compromised for the sake of some fairy tale ending that is stained by the sticky fingers of childhood ideas. So I laid on the floor and died and let myself die a little. Afterwards though I smiled. Not out of spite or happiness, but because I know these things aren't the end of me. Hell, maybe these aren't the end of my relationship with these people, but I'm learning what I need from life and love. The pieces of me that are dead are the pieces I didn't need. They are the pieces I gave too willingly. They aren't the pieces I needed to be human, to be loved. No, THOSE pieces are the reasons I love myself, the pieces that will lead me to Mr. Right, but most of all, they were the pieces you glimpsed and decided it wasn't enough, proving to me that I don't know what I'm doing yet. That idea made me smile because one day I'll get it right, and things will click. Maybe not tomorrow, or next month, or even in the next few years, but I'm getting closer to knowing what I deserve because I'm breaking my habit of running away from the good things and fighting for the bad things. I just have to get the timing right.

Over the Horizon

It's been a while since I've updated my blog. It blows me away that I have a small audience now, and I'm sorry for the delay. So a quick update is needed. My new job is going well, I'm learning quickly and I'm finding that I might just get a set schedule if things work out right. If that is indeed the case, I can get a weekend job and my morning classes at University of New Mexico will be a breeze. I can make the trip back to Arizona in about three weeks, and I'll finally have my car and furniture here. I'm seriously debating a getting a roommate, but everyone I know that also needs one doesn't really match up well. Plus, the last roommate situation was a catastrophe of the worst kind.

I've started dating again... or rather, I WAS dating and quickly found a really great guy. Yep, I know all the rules, guidelines, and things I should keep in mind while post breakup. But I have to be honest. 2012 was a rough year, and when you just KNOW things are over, you mourn it before the hammer even falls. That's what I did. I got asked, "How do you get over being heartbroken so fast if you really loved your ex?" and It's simple. I was heartbroken before. Sick from it and sick of it. I wouldn't have gone out on dates if I didn't think I was ready, and I have this knack for finding these really great guys. Before I would have just gone out, had fun, and thought to myself, "He was awesome, he will make a really great boyfriend for someone." but when I found that here I quickly picked up on it and made it a thing. I don't regret it. No illusions either. It's becoming one of my favorite risks so far. I even feel guilty for calling it a risk because it's proven to be anything but a risk. Still, at the start I was so unsure of even heading down monogamy road, but we are keeping it simple, fun, honest, and it works. Yes, I'm being vague, for reasons beyond my control. No, it isn't because he isn't out or something like that.

So, that's about it. No fancy words or metaphors. Have a great May everyone, and if I don't talk to you, May the 4th be with you (because Star Wars)

Life

The unexpected is the eternal mystery of life. We can prepare for every eventuality, and still live our lives in a total state of shock. Or, we can live our lives fast and search out adventure, and become bored to tears. The spectrum of life, the measurement of living isn't individually dictated by a higher being. It's being dictated in our decisions. I've always liked the idea of some omnipotent presence guiding my life, but I think the romantic idea of it all was rubbed away when life started throwing curve balls. When we let go, and stop trying to steer, things go wrong. That wasn't how I was supposed to live my life. That isn't even living. It isn't any surprise when I start driving my life, things start falling into place. People start showing up to care, because I started showing up for life. I felt like I was in an ocean, blind from the sun, and the waves were pushing me back, crashing against me. All I had to do was start swimming in a different direction. It felt like I was swimming for a boat in the distance, and I didn't have a clue that I had land to my back. Perspective is everything. If something doesn't work, change it, fix it, or ditch it. I kept trying to do one of those things, and forgot about the other two options. I'm glad for the change now and it's easier to continue to make these changes. The change of scenery, the change of pace, and most of all, the change of people. A few in particular have been too good to me to be true. I'm on my own little island with a few good people surrounding me, and I'm starting to realize that THIS is the time of my life and I am my own salvation. This is life, and not living halfway. Most of all, I deserve these good situations, people, and feelings. I'm dropping my barriers, I don't have room for them in my life. Just truths and honesty.

Pride

Expectations of the future and reminders of the past are often my undoing. I can certainly go my entire life without them, but my expectations are my fuel, and my past is what defines me. I'm not even sure how many times I've said it, but I'm not perfect. I'm not trying to be and I really don't want to be. Perfection sounds horribly boring to me. My imperfections ALWAYS come back to haunt me though. I've never taken the easy route and my life rewards me with the toughest of consequences sometimes. My honesty scares people away, my dreams are often met with eye rolls, and people tend to give me those talks about what should be done with my life. Everybody seems to know better. Everyone seems to know exactly who I am without giving me any hints as to what that may be. Still, all the push back gives me the motivation that I need. I thrive off of the negative feedback. I love proving someone wrong, and I'm often pretty good at it. Sometimes I have to remind people to mind their own business. To not worry about me. I'm an extremely strong person. I don't do anything half way, so when I say something, I mean it.

Let's get down to business. Is a month long enough to get over an earth shattering revelation that the person you love doesn't love you back? The answer is simple, but not easily explained. The short answer is yes, when it should obviously be no. The long answer is that when you've known someone doesn't love you back, you are already grieving the loss. You are already broken up. So, I spent a very short amount of time being upset about it, because even if I wanted to do something about it, what could I do but suck it up, and move on? My blog will always be an exaggeration of my emotions. It's where I go to spill my rawest of emotions, often unedited. So take the emotion with a grain of salt, but never the words.

Found

Life sucks. We grow up being told as children that we will understand as we get older. That we just don't understand, we were only just kids after all. I was so far from prepared for the reality. This is the secret that they don't tell us. The truth. When we get older, things still don't make sense, and the only thing we didn't understand as a child was that we have to make these shitty decisions, and live with the consequences. Maybe our elders were just frustrated with this same reality... so they try to spare our younger selves from the pain of this reality for just a while longer?

Yes, life sucks, and through this journey, I'm discovering just how much... yet... there is so much to know, to see, and to feel. Every time I fall down and want to give up, a small miracle comes around. Maybe life is a never ending circle of falling and getting back up. A circle of horrible decisions, getting as low as possible, and a small miracle saving us from ourselves. I feel like, for the first time, I'm finally making wise decisions. Decisions for myself that will benefit me long term. I feel like I'm surrounding myself with people that will matter. Frankly, people that will stick around. I'm making friends that like me for me, and don't judge me for what I am and am not. Still, I don't put stock in people anymore. It's hard not to think like that.

I had to start feeling like I'm enough. Battle scars and all. A complete misunderstanding how life should work, and what I should expect from people. An utter lack of knowledge about this world and how it works. A false sense of love for people that aren't related to me. I'll still fuck up. I'm still far from perfect. I'm enough for me, and that's what matters for now.

Woah

It hits me like a ton of bricks that I start school tomorrow, and I pretty much have a job landed, and a secure future for myself. Bitches aint shit but hoes and tricks!

Yeah... you came onto my blog, saw a new entry, and read that. You're welcome, and have a great rest of the week!

Forward

I think it's time to put a few things behind me. I can't believe how much I've been given to deal with so suddenly, but it's all really fine. I'm prepared. I've BEEN prepared for a couple of weeks. So just a very quick update on my future. (It ends up being not so quick)

This Tuesday I start the first of two introduction to Phlebotomy classes at University of New Mexico, the second being on Thursday. My official classes don't start until June, but I feel like I need to take these intro classes. The course is a certification that is reasonably priced. I can afford to enter into the Intro class and pay it outright, but money is an issue after that.

I've had a few good job prospects to help pay for my new single life here in NM. I've done some apartment hunting, and that's gone great as well. I have until April 20th to make enough money to rent a uhaul with a car hitch included. That shouldn't be too hard, but I will have to get my car registered here in NM. At this same time, I plan to be ready to move into my new apartment. So I have to account for those expenses as well as utility connection. I don't have a doubt in my mind that this part will go smoothly. The only problem is that I will have to be able to pay for my school fees, tuition, and of course scrubs when school starts back up in June. Altogether, around $3000 for sure. I will be working four jobs if you count my writing jobs. So I've created a schedule and taken into account that I may not find what I need right away. The plan is clear, achievable, and reliant on ME. 

If you asked me two weeks ago if this was the course my life would be taking, I would have laughed in your face, but I've realized a few things since. Firstly, and most importantly, family is the only thing I can rely on unconditionally. It has always been and will always be the only constant I have, and while people may believe that my family is crazy, and sometimes rude, they're mine, and I love them. Second, I'm my only cheerleader. I don't have friends that I can call up and say, "Hey, this is what's going on in my life". It's me in this big world again and I understand that I can't be that person who relies on the kindness of others. It isn't cute at 26. Third, fuck boys. No seriously. I'm so done. This isn't a notice of heterosexuality, but a notice of my independence. I never went out looking for love because I was content with loving myself. The one time my life changed with love, it was unrequited, and I will forever judge all other loves to this one. I won't pretend it was a perfect love, but it was one that I thought would last a lifetime... not five years. These are the illusions I will have to live with, me and my broken and battered heart. The love I felt changed me internally, and it was SO far from what I was, but only because I knew what I was, wasn't what was wanted. A slap in the face when at the start of the relationship, when I was starting to stray and see passed the facade set up for me, I was told to fight for love. I literally chose the relationship I was fighting for over my Grandmothers last birthday alive, my sisters wedding, and my own happiness. I was told that it felt like a one sided relationship... no. Love isn't a business transaction. I gave more. I always have. I fought for that boring, self centered, daddy issue riddled, passive aggressive ass. Was all this a bitter hate filled tangent? Yes, but I have to get it out. I have to say it, or it festers and slows me down. Which is the fourth thing I've learned. My emotions slow me down if I don't address them. I can't expect someone to come along, understand me, and give me a quick fix. Those don't exist. I need to grow some fucking balls and stop worrying about rejection... because I've already had the worst rejection of my life. All other types of it will be a goddamn cake walk.

On a positive note, I got to visit my Grandmas grave, and I've had more fun in the last week than I did all of 2012. Both of those things have been beyond overdue. Also, I'm getting two tattoos, and I've been working out with my brother a lot. Thus concludes my all over the place update. Stay tuned for life.

Resurface

I've taken up a pretty serious writing endeavor, and been immersing myself in it fully when I have extra time to kill. While I've had the time to play video games, or go out... both have been passed for writing or spending time with family. It's been good to just take some time for me. Not rely on my friends to carry me through this situation, or throw myself into some bad social experience that I would regret later on. I've always considered writing to be a source of relief. A pressure release. Absolutely no regrets in that decision either.

I mean, if you've been reading my blog, you know that I'm nowhere near ready to be in a social situation where I could be hit on, asked out, or even have to talk to new people. So it's easy for me to look at a situation, and flat out turn down an invite. Still, I know that going out and meeting some new people will be good for me eventually. But I've been too busy getting my work situation together, and trying to find an apartment. One down, one to go. I've also begun the process of getting back to school. Is this all too much for me right now? Probably, but what choice do I have? I'll be 27 in a month, and to find myself in a situation such as this... it's really put a few things in perspective for me. The first thing being the fact that I don't have a parent to step up and help me pay half of my tuition to get through school. I have always and will always be doing these things alone. I'm not complaining or wishing that things were different, but it would be easier. It will be easier to breath though. Much easier.

So here I am, starting over again in an old town. Relying on my family for what they can help me with. My motivation for my future has never been greater. I've never wanted to prove people wrong more than now. I'm beyond ready to tackle this, even if I've been left utterly fucked financially. I will be truly living, working, and educating myself... by myself.... all for the first time in my life.

Your Season

When I thought all was lost within Winters grasp, I began to believe in Spring again. Summer comes to scorch my soul until Autumn reminds that Winter will surely be followed by Spring once more.

Probably the only thing that continues to haunt me at this point. Winter was ending in a couple weeks.... but it's true that all is fair in love and war. So when they begin to parallel each other in reality, it's probably best to leave such flawed concepts in the cold days of Winter. Where all my failures, losses, and scars reside. So I'll find solace in the idea that everything that was meant to leave my life has left in the Winter. Spring has always been Earths rebirth, and so shall it remain mine, forever and always.

Change

It's the little things that seem to haunt. Seeing something stupid that you would normally share. A trailer for a movie you both were excited for. Having a side of the bed. Expecting a text... and realizing that you never REALLY got texts to begin with, and the idea of getting them now isn't just self loathing, but ludicrous.

Change isn't easy, and it doesn't come quickly either. Some change can be achieved immediately, and I've felt some changes within that have recently taken hold. They are exciting and freeing, but scary as well. So here I will make a few promises to myself.

I won't let the change and fear within me turn into bitterness. It's so dangerously close... I can feel myself coming close to that person I used to be. Two dates every week, laughing at the idea of love, and never opening up to anyone. I don't want those things for myself. I know most people wouldn't consider it change to revert back to something you used to be, but it's change that I don't want. So I'll stay positive that my life made room for the love I deserve.

The change I expect to make in my professional life won't dictate my expectations of relationships. Mainly because I've been a victim of this. There are more important things in this world, and the moment I have what I want out of life, is the moment I start trying to give others that chance to get something out of life as well... not cut them out as dead weight. The sign of a true man is knowing when to recognize the man who is down but not out and help them.

I won't expect change to happen without putting in the work needed to get to that point. I mean... I've lost SO much expecting things to change when they demand work. I will never settle for the mediocre path. I'll bust my ass to become healthy, educated, motivated, and happy. I won't rest until I've become the person I knew I would be as a child, because that isn't a childish dream to have.

If all it takes to be happy is to BE happy... I'll do that. I'll fake it till it's contagious, and when the people around me are happy, I'll know I helped with that, and it will make me a bit happier. Even if I'm hurting inside, I will never spread my negative attitude. I'll give more hugs. I'll listen to the ones I love. I'll do little things when I'm not even asked. Most importantly, I'll continue to NEVER let a cry for help go unanswered. 

So, I can already feel a few of these things taking root, but I know others won't come easy. I'll do what I have to. I'll sweat, scream, and bleed. Despite what I've been told and taught, I'm a good person by nature. I'll succeed at anything that I put a sure foot forward towards, because I adapt. Because my passion doesn't come from a need to succeed, it comes from a sense of self worth I haven't seen in myself for a long time. A sense of self worth that has been wrongly defined by others by what they can physically see or tangibly interact with. But I'm all these things and more... EVERYONE is... so don't sell yourself short. We are only what we create, we are only victims of the circumstances we let victimize us, and we all have the capacity to love as well as hate, never choose the path of least resistance.

Time

It heals all wounds right?

It seems like such a comfort for all those other people, until you wake up, and realize it helped you. It makes you feel cliche and normal, but the whole idea makes you feel right again. We can't help but to feel like the end is near sometimes, it's our nature as humans. Or to feel as if there isn't much to fight for in this world, because of all the wreckage we constantly navigate. Time has a way of making you see things you may have been blind to when all you saw is what you couldn't hold onto. Not just what you were blocking out with your higher priorities, but what you turned a blind eye to for the sake of "something greater".

Honestly, those things that slip through your fingers aren't meant to be held. All that shimmers isn't gold. And sometimes, we hero worship people and situations that don't deserve it because we want perfection in the form of illusions. We trick ourselves into believing that something unhealthy is what we want. That it can make things better to have one more mediocre thing that everyone else has. Even if toxic will always be toxic, and unhappy is two letters from what you truly deserve.

The hardest lessons are often the best learned. To be in so much denial that your are continually having epiphany after epiphany when you look back is disgusting. I could write a book on manipulation, dominance, dependency, and lies. My acknowledgement would simply say, "Thank you for teaching me the difference."

The common denominator in your dependent relationships is you, but I'M the fool who's life was dominated entirely.

Lost

I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to write here. I'm not even sure what's going to be said when I'm done. All I know is that for too long I've stayed silent. I've fought for causes that didn't need more soldiers, and defended people who should be defending themselves. All this time, all this growing and even though I've grown selfless socially, I've stayed just as much a mystery to myself as to everyone around me. It's funny how we fool ourselves. How we create this persona for people to see and to be judged on. We take those judgements and we put so much stock in it. We pretend it doesn't hurt to be these things people want, and each time we do this we lose ourselves a bit more. I've lost myself. Completely. 

I've lied, I've argued, and worst of all I became dependent.

It must be tough to live with me, I'm not denying that for a second. I'm headstrong, stubborn, sarcastic, and prideful. It's that last one that gets me. I guess I thought I was owed something after all this time. I thought I was owed time and love. That all these selfless acts and worrying about people would amount to something. But it isn't enough. Well wishes aren't enough. I knew this but I wasn't going to change until I SAW change.... until I felt it, because I thought I was owed it. We got stuck. Damn we got so stuck.

I won't take all the blame in this, I refuse to, because I still believe that love should be enough. That love should have fueled that never asked question, "What's wrong?", but it's also foolish of me to think that love would have fueled the true answer, "Me."

I haven't been right for a while and I should have been honest, and you would think that I would have learned from past mistakes! I'll blame that on my pride. I can't say "I lied to you"... that I couldn't get out of bed today. Or that I can't sleep next to you because I cry myself to sleep and I make sure you can't hear me. That I hurt everyday and I expected you to make me better... but you weren't the problem. How selfish of a thought right? That's the problem within me I guess. My life crumbled and you stayed by my side for a long time, trying to motivate me to do what was right with myself. I've even villainized you in my head. Making you out to be the bad guy. The one who fell out of love with me when, let's face it, I fell out of loving me. We've both made mistakes, but I can't keep apologizing for mine... because when the days go by so fast that you don't know if it's night or day, it's hard to remember to just fucking TRY. It's hard to know that you've made those mistakes. For that, I will forever be sorry. Not just to you, but to myself, because I promised to never be that person.

I've been crying the last year beside you because I hate what I turned us into. I hate what I turned myself into. I fucking despise what I turned you into. Who thinks those things about someone they love?! I've been crying in silence the last two days because I've disappointed myself. I haven't wanted to talk because I knew I would say things I didn't mean, and I knew I wouldn't listen.

I need to start helping myself... I just wish I knew where to start.

There are a few things I know for certain. Fuck, you hurt me. You ripped my goddamn heart out and I've never felt more unwanted and stupid in my entire life. I feel so wasted. So drained and dry of emotion because my head and heart have been such a roller coaster the last year culminating to this. These crazy thoughts, what ifs, and never agains. I want off the roller coaster. I'm spent. 

I deserve love. I deserve a life I've built instead of watching you build one I thought was for us. How naive of me. In my head I was the romantic writer, and you were the tall stalwart caring man who would love me no matter what. But what good are these stories in my head when everyone has a breaking point? And why does it always take me so long to learn these life lessons? I feel like I'm always playing catch up intellectually, socially, and personally. Lesson learned I guess.

But I know I can't run anymore. I can't hide from myself or you. I don't have the energy to do it anymore and expect myself to have the energy to come back from it. Each day it's getting harder to come back from this. I've always claimed to be an open book... what good is a book without heart?