Sunday, March 17, 2013


I think it's time to put a few things behind me. I can't believe how much I've been given to deal with so suddenly, but it's all really fine. I'm prepared. I've BEEN prepared for a couple of weeks. So just a very quick update on my future. (It ends up being not so quick)

This Tuesday I start the first of two introduction to Phlebotomy classes at University of New Mexico, the second being on Thursday. My official classes don't start until June, but I feel like I need to take these intro classes. The course is a certification that is reasonably priced. I can afford to enter into the Intro class and pay it outright, but money is an issue after that.

I've had a few good job prospects to help pay for my new single life here in NM. I've done some apartment hunting, and that's gone great as well. I have until April 20th to make enough money to rent a uhaul with a car hitch included. That shouldn't be too hard, but I will have to get my car registered here in NM. At this same time, I plan to be ready to move into my new apartment. So I have to account for those expenses as well as utility connection. I don't have a doubt in my mind that this part will go smoothly. The only problem is that I will have to be able to pay for my school fees, tuition, and of course scrubs when school starts back up in June. Altogether, around $3000 for sure. I will be working four jobs if you count my writing jobs. So I've created a schedule and taken into account that I may not find what I need right away. The plan is clear, achievable, and reliant on ME. 

If you asked me two weeks ago if this was the course my life would be taking, I would have laughed in your face, but I've realized a few things since. Firstly, and most importantly, family is the only thing I can rely on unconditionally. It has always been and will always be the only constant I have, and while people may believe that my family is crazy, and sometimes rude, they're mine, and I love them. Second, I'm my only cheerleader. I don't have friends that I can call up and say, "Hey, this is what's going on in my life". It's me in this big world again and I understand that I can't be that person who relies on the kindness of others. It isn't cute at 26. Third, fuck boys. No seriously. I'm so done. This isn't a notice of heterosexuality, but a notice of my independence. I never went out looking for love because I was content with loving myself. The one time my life changed with love, it was unrequited, and I will forever judge all other loves to this one. I won't pretend it was a perfect love, but it was one that I thought would last a lifetime... not five years. These are the illusions I will have to live with, me and my broken and battered heart. The love I felt changed me internally, and it was SO far from what I was, but only because I knew what I was, wasn't what was wanted. A slap in the face when at the start of the relationship, when I was starting to stray and see passed the facade set up for me, I was told to fight for love. I literally chose the relationship I was fighting for over my Grandmothers last birthday alive, my sisters wedding, and my own happiness. I was told that it felt like a one sided relationship... no. Love isn't a business transaction. I gave more. I always have. I fought for that boring, self centered, daddy issue riddled, passive aggressive ass. Was all this a bitter hate filled tangent? Yes, but I have to get it out. I have to say it, or it festers and slows me down. Which is the fourth thing I've learned. My emotions slow me down if I don't address them. I can't expect someone to come along, understand me, and give me a quick fix. Those don't exist. I need to grow some fucking balls and stop worrying about rejection... because I've already had the worst rejection of my life. All other types of it will be a goddamn cake walk.

On a positive note, I got to visit my Grandmas grave, and I've had more fun in the last week than I did all of 2012. Both of those things have been beyond overdue. Also, I'm getting two tattoos, and I've been working out with my brother a lot. Thus concludes my all over the place update. Stay tuned for life.

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