Change

It's the little things that seem to haunt. Seeing something stupid that you would normally share. A trailer for a movie you both were excited for. Having a side of the bed. Expecting a text... and realizing that you never REALLY got texts to begin with, and the idea of getting them now isn't just self loathing, but ludicrous.

Change isn't easy, and it doesn't come quickly either. Some change can be achieved immediately, and I've felt some changes within that have recently taken hold. They are exciting and freeing, but scary as well. So here I will make a few promises to myself.

I won't let the change and fear within me turn into bitterness. It's so dangerously close... I can feel myself coming close to that person I used to be. Two dates every week, laughing at the idea of love, and never opening up to anyone. I don't want those things for myself. I know most people wouldn't consider it change to revert back to something you used to be, but it's change that I don't want. So I'll stay positive that my life made room for the love I deserve.

The change I expect to make in my professional life won't dictate my expectations of relationships. Mainly because I've been a victim of this. There are more important things in this world, and the moment I have what I want out of life, is the moment I start trying to give others that chance to get something out of life as well... not cut them out as dead weight. The sign of a true man is knowing when to recognize the man who is down but not out and help them.

I won't expect change to happen without putting in the work needed to get to that point. I mean... I've lost SO much expecting things to change when they demand work. I will never settle for the mediocre path. I'll bust my ass to become healthy, educated, motivated, and happy. I won't rest until I've become the person I knew I would be as a child, because that isn't a childish dream to have.

If all it takes to be happy is to BE happy... I'll do that. I'll fake it till it's contagious, and when the people around me are happy, I'll know I helped with that, and it will make me a bit happier. Even if I'm hurting inside, I will never spread my negative attitude. I'll give more hugs. I'll listen to the ones I love. I'll do little things when I'm not even asked. Most importantly, I'll continue to NEVER let a cry for help go unanswered. 

So, I can already feel a few of these things taking root, but I know others won't come easy. I'll do what I have to. I'll sweat, scream, and bleed. Despite what I've been told and taught, I'm a good person by nature. I'll succeed at anything that I put a sure foot forward towards, because I adapt. Because my passion doesn't come from a need to succeed, it comes from a sense of self worth I haven't seen in myself for a long time. A sense of self worth that has been wrongly defined by others by what they can physically see or tangibly interact with. But I'm all these things and more... EVERYONE is... so don't sell yourself short. We are only what we create, we are only victims of the circumstances we let victimize us, and we all have the capacity to love as well as hate, never choose the path of least resistance.