Sunday, June 2, 2013


So if you saw my last post, it seemed as if things were looking up... right? Yeah, they seemed to be looking up to me as well, but looks can be deceiving. My life can be tricky at times. My job has been rough lately, school was pushed back, and when I thought that I had found someone who would accept me for all my flaws... well I didn't. It sucks because we had SO much in common, but it was so far from a normal relationship. I had to put up with a lot of jealousy, insecurities, and hypocritical scenarios. Still, I gave way too many chances for an early relationship because of the chemistry between us. It seemed that when we were together everything was great. We would have fun, it was laid back and it felt great. When I would leave, things would go downhill fast. One scenario that turned things sour for me that I just didn't really recover from was when I took a nap and I got accused of cheating because I didn't answer calls and texts. I understood what I was getting into dating a younger guy but it isn't cute to admit to and give into your insecurities freely. I get it, spell out your damages before they found out, it's self perseverance at it's finest I guess. Except when you say, "I'm gonna push you away." well you've set in motion in your own head that this is what's going to happen. You can't go back from that. I tried my best to earn his trust and even pushed things along to create these perfect scenarios to combat the bad ones. Again, I came out looking like a joke, and I'm here on my blog whining about another guy I claim didn't appreciate me, but I'm feeling like Taylor Swift right now. Maybe I'm broken somehow and I'm not nearly as good looking, witty, or charming as I think. Maybe I'm a horrible boyfriend. Maybe I rushed into this relationship too quickly. When I broke up with my new boyfriend all these familiar and horrible emotions resurfaced from my breakup with my old boyfriend and I had a panic attack on my floor. I know, it's cute, I'm husband material over here, not broken at all, but it's a sad truth. I thought I was going to die, and I burst into tears. Not because I missed Ex #1 or even that I was devastated from ex #2 (I mean, I WAS, but not panic attack/death devastated) but because it just made me feel worthless and stupid again. It made me feel just as little and clueless as I was a few months ago when my world crumbled. I felt helpless to the whims and issues of another man, but I'm proud that I refused to be told how to live my life and not have my life compromised for the sake of some fairy tale ending that is stained by the sticky fingers of childhood ideas. So I laid on the floor and died and let myself die a little. Afterwards though I smiled. Not out of spite or happiness, but because I know these things aren't the end of me. Hell, maybe these aren't the end of my relationship with these people, but I'm learning what I need from life and love. The pieces of me that are dead are the pieces I didn't need. They are the pieces I gave too willingly. They aren't the pieces I needed to be human, to be loved. No, THOSE pieces are the reasons I love myself, the pieces that will lead me to Mr. Right, but most of all, they were the pieces you glimpsed and decided it wasn't enough, proving to me that I don't know what I'm doing yet. That idea made me smile because one day I'll get it right, and things will click. Maybe not tomorrow, or next month, or even in the next few years, but I'm getting closer to knowing what I deserve because I'm breaking my habit of running away from the good things and fighting for the bad things. I just have to get the timing right.

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