Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Enlightened Roadblocks

(Prepare yourself, this one feels like a mess)

I think one of the issues with knowing yourself is the constant pain of knowing what isn't healthy alongside you. I've worked really hard getting to know myself and often times I feel like my only reward for this is the universe introducing opposite forces. People so different and opposite that I long to be ignorant. Ignorance is bliss after all. That's what they say, but ignorance is just ignorance and romanticizing it seems dangerous somehow. I've always been of the mindset that observation brings knowledge, but what we see can only be processed when we've touched and experienced alongside someone. These experiences bring about emotion unfortunately, and that's where my problems reside. I'm too emotional. It's something I've attempted to change about myself or even attempt to understand why I get connected with people the way I do. I don't know when it started because as a child I never connected with people. I found it hard to be emotionally available and my ignorance about the lives around me kept me safe to a degree. I began opening up somewhere around my teenage years and it's taken me a long time to truly feel connected with people the way that others do. Somewhere around falling in and out of love and losing a best friend, I began to collect emotions. Loving people too hard and too quickly. These silly ideas in my head about feeling and observing the way I do often haunt me. Catching the nuances of humanity and falling in love with the details.

Still, these things are important to me, and even if they carry me away to places nobody should go, I will cherish them. Not because these things are bad, but because we can't love everyone, and often times most people will hurt you. By you, I mean me. I'm not a special little snowflake. I'm a sappy little selfish asshole, and I don't condone my behavior. Still, I believe in love, and I believe in loving with everything you have. Don't ever use anyone for your own emotional gain; just observe. Notice the little things about humanity that makes it amazing. Love the little things about people and tell them that you love the little nose wrinkle someone gets when they laugh. Admire how the morning light hits their eyes. They way they look down when they laugh and when they look up their face is filled with pure happiness. Share your moments with someone and don't be afraid to look over at them and say, "I'll always remember this." Because if someone is feeling the same way and they are too afraid to say it, you will have silenced that fear. Don't miss out on something great because you're too afraid to say something brave. So, yes, I love too much. I've tried to change that once, and it may sometimes be an issue. Today, I embrace my large stupid heart. I embrace the mess it leaves behind sometimes too.

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