Life

The unexpected is the eternal mystery of life. We can prepare for every eventuality, and still live our lives in a total state of shock. Or, we can live our lives fast and search out adventure, and become bored to tears. The spectrum of life, the measurement of living isn't individually dictated by a higher being. It's being dictated in our decisions. I've always liked the idea of some omnipotent presence guiding my life, but I think the romantic idea of it all was rubbed away when life started throwing curve balls. When we let go, and stop trying to steer, things go wrong. That wasn't how I was supposed to live my life. That isn't even living. It isn't any surprise when I start driving my life, things start falling into place. People start showing up to care, because I started showing up for life. I felt like I was in an ocean, blind from the sun, and the waves were pushing me back, crashing against me. All I had to do was start swimming in a different direction. It felt like I was swimming for a boat in the distance, and I didn't have a clue that I had land to my back. Perspective is everything. If something doesn't work, change it, fix it, or ditch it. I kept trying to do one of those things, and forgot about the other two options. I'm glad for the change now and it's easier to continue to make these changes. The change of scenery, the change of pace, and most of all, the change of people. A few in particular have been too good to me to be true. I'm on my own little island with a few good people surrounding me, and I'm starting to realize that THIS is the time of my life and I am my own salvation. This is life, and not living halfway. Most of all, I deserve these good situations, people, and feelings. I'm dropping my barriers, I don't have room for them in my life. Just truths and honesty.

Pride

Expectations of the future and reminders of the past are often my undoing. I can certainly go my entire life without them, but my expectations are my fuel, and my past is what defines me. I'm not even sure how many times I've said it, but I'm not perfect. I'm not trying to be and I really don't want to be. Perfection sounds horribly boring to me. My imperfections ALWAYS come back to haunt me though. I've never taken the easy route and my life rewards me with the toughest of consequences sometimes. My honesty scares people away, my dreams are often met with eye rolls, and people tend to give me those talks about what should be done with my life. Everybody seems to know better. Everyone seems to know exactly who I am without giving me any hints as to what that may be. Still, all the push back gives me the motivation that I need. I thrive off of the negative feedback. I love proving someone wrong, and I'm often pretty good at it. Sometimes I have to remind people to mind their own business. To not worry about me. I'm an extremely strong person. I don't do anything half way, so when I say something, I mean it.

Let's get down to business. Is a month long enough to get over an earth shattering revelation that the person you love doesn't love you back? The answer is simple, but not easily explained. The short answer is yes, when it should obviously be no. The long answer is that when you've known someone doesn't love you back, you are already grieving the loss. You are already broken up. So, I spent a very short amount of time being upset about it, because even if I wanted to do something about it, what could I do but suck it up, and move on? My blog will always be an exaggeration of my emotions. It's where I go to spill my rawest of emotions, often unedited. So take the emotion with a grain of salt, but never the words.

Found

Life sucks. We grow up being told as children that we will understand as we get older. That we just don't understand, we were only just kids after all. I was so far from prepared for the reality. This is the secret that they don't tell us. The truth. When we get older, things still don't make sense, and the only thing we didn't understand as a child was that we have to make these shitty decisions, and live with the consequences. Maybe our elders were just frustrated with this same reality... so they try to spare our younger selves from the pain of this reality for just a while longer?

Yes, life sucks, and through this journey, I'm discovering just how much... yet... there is so much to know, to see, and to feel. Every time I fall down and want to give up, a small miracle comes around. Maybe life is a never ending circle of falling and getting back up. A circle of horrible decisions, getting as low as possible, and a small miracle saving us from ourselves. I feel like, for the first time, I'm finally making wise decisions. Decisions for myself that will benefit me long term. I feel like I'm surrounding myself with people that will matter. Frankly, people that will stick around. I'm making friends that like me for me, and don't judge me for what I am and am not. Still, I don't put stock in people anymore. It's hard not to think like that.

I had to start feeling like I'm enough. Battle scars and all. A complete misunderstanding how life should work, and what I should expect from people. An utter lack of knowledge about this world and how it works. A false sense of love for people that aren't related to me. I'll still fuck up. I'm still far from perfect. I'm enough for me, and that's what matters for now.