Woah

It hits me like a ton of bricks that I start school tomorrow, and I pretty much have a job landed, and a secure future for myself. Bitches aint shit but hoes and tricks!

Yeah... you came onto my blog, saw a new entry, and read that. You're welcome, and have a great rest of the week!

Forward

I think it's time to put a few things behind me. I can't believe how much I've been given to deal with so suddenly, but it's all really fine. I'm prepared. I've BEEN prepared for a couple of weeks. So just a very quick update on my future. (It ends up being not so quick)

This Tuesday I start the first of two introduction to Phlebotomy classes at University of New Mexico, the second being on Thursday. My official classes don't start until June, but I feel like I need to take these intro classes. The course is a certification that is reasonably priced. I can afford to enter into the Intro class and pay it outright, but money is an issue after that.

I've had a few good job prospects to help pay for my new single life here in NM. I've done some apartment hunting, and that's gone great as well. I have until April 20th to make enough money to rent a uhaul with a car hitch included. That shouldn't be too hard, but I will have to get my car registered here in NM. At this same time, I plan to be ready to move into my new apartment. So I have to account for those expenses as well as utility connection. I don't have a doubt in my mind that this part will go smoothly. The only problem is that I will have to be able to pay for my school fees, tuition, and of course scrubs when school starts back up in June. Altogether, around $3000 for sure. I will be working four jobs if you count my writing jobs. So I've created a schedule and taken into account that I may not find what I need right away. The plan is clear, achievable, and reliant on ME. 

If you asked me two weeks ago if this was the course my life would be taking, I would have laughed in your face, but I've realized a few things since. Firstly, and most importantly, family is the only thing I can rely on unconditionally. It has always been and will always be the only constant I have, and while people may believe that my family is crazy, and sometimes rude, they're mine, and I love them. Second, I'm my only cheerleader. I don't have friends that I can call up and say, "Hey, this is what's going on in my life". It's me in this big world again and I understand that I can't be that person who relies on the kindness of others. It isn't cute at 26. Third, fuck boys. No seriously. I'm so done. This isn't a notice of heterosexuality, but a notice of my independence. I never went out looking for love because I was content with loving myself. The one time my life changed with love, it was unrequited, and I will forever judge all other loves to this one. I won't pretend it was a perfect love, but it was one that I thought would last a lifetime... not five years. These are the illusions I will have to live with, me and my broken and battered heart. The love I felt changed me internally, and it was SO far from what I was, but only because I knew what I was, wasn't what was wanted. A slap in the face when at the start of the relationship, when I was starting to stray and see passed the facade set up for me, I was told to fight for love. I literally chose the relationship I was fighting for over my Grandmothers last birthday alive, my sisters wedding, and my own happiness. I was told that it felt like a one sided relationship... no. Love isn't a business transaction. I gave more. I always have. I fought for that boring, self centered, daddy issue riddled, passive aggressive ass. Was all this a bitter hate filled tangent? Yes, but I have to get it out. I have to say it, or it festers and slows me down. Which is the fourth thing I've learned. My emotions slow me down if I don't address them. I can't expect someone to come along, understand me, and give me a quick fix. Those don't exist. I need to grow some fucking balls and stop worrying about rejection... because I've already had the worst rejection of my life. All other types of it will be a goddamn cake walk.

On a positive note, I got to visit my Grandmas grave, and I've had more fun in the last week than I did all of 2012. Both of those things have been beyond overdue. Also, I'm getting two tattoos, and I've been working out with my brother a lot. Thus concludes my all over the place update. Stay tuned for life.

Resurface

I've taken up a pretty serious writing endeavor, and been immersing myself in it fully when I have extra time to kill. While I've had the time to play video games, or go out... both have been passed for writing or spending time with family. It's been good to just take some time for me. Not rely on my friends to carry me through this situation, or throw myself into some bad social experience that I would regret later on. I've always considered writing to be a source of relief. A pressure release. Absolutely no regrets in that decision either.

I mean, if you've been reading my blog, you know that I'm nowhere near ready to be in a social situation where I could be hit on, asked out, or even have to talk to new people. So it's easy for me to look at a situation, and flat out turn down an invite. Still, I know that going out and meeting some new people will be good for me eventually. But I've been too busy getting my work situation together, and trying to find an apartment. One down, one to go. I've also begun the process of getting back to school. Is this all too much for me right now? Probably, but what choice do I have? I'll be 27 in a month, and to find myself in a situation such as this... it's really put a few things in perspective for me. The first thing being the fact that I don't have a parent to step up and help me pay half of my tuition to get through school. I have always and will always be doing these things alone. I'm not complaining or wishing that things were different, but it would be easier. It will be easier to breath though. Much easier.

So here I am, starting over again in an old town. Relying on my family for what they can help me with. My motivation for my future has never been greater. I've never wanted to prove people wrong more than now. I'm beyond ready to tackle this, even if I've been left utterly fucked financially. I will be truly living, working, and educating myself... by myself.... all for the first time in my life.

Your Season

When I thought all was lost within Winters grasp, I began to believe in Spring again. Summer comes to scorch my soul until Autumn reminds that Winter will surely be followed by Spring once more.

Probably the only thing that continues to haunt me at this point. Winter was ending in a couple weeks.... but it's true that all is fair in love and war. So when they begin to parallel each other in reality, it's probably best to leave such flawed concepts in the cold days of Winter. Where all my failures, losses, and scars reside. So I'll find solace in the idea that everything that was meant to leave my life has left in the Winter. Spring has always been Earths rebirth, and so shall it remain mine, forever and always.

Change

It's the little things that seem to haunt. Seeing something stupid that you would normally share. A trailer for a movie you both were excited for. Having a side of the bed. Expecting a text... and realizing that you never REALLY got texts to begin with, and the idea of getting them now isn't just self loathing, but ludicrous.

Change isn't easy, and it doesn't come quickly either. Some change can be achieved immediately, and I've felt some changes within that have recently taken hold. They are exciting and freeing, but scary as well. So here I will make a few promises to myself.

I won't let the change and fear within me turn into bitterness. It's so dangerously close... I can feel myself coming close to that person I used to be. Two dates every week, laughing at the idea of love, and never opening up to anyone. I don't want those things for myself. I know most people wouldn't consider it change to revert back to something you used to be, but it's change that I don't want. So I'll stay positive that my life made room for the love I deserve.

The change I expect to make in my professional life won't dictate my expectations of relationships. Mainly because I've been a victim of this. There are more important things in this world, and the moment I have what I want out of life, is the moment I start trying to give others that chance to get something out of life as well... not cut them out as dead weight. The sign of a true man is knowing when to recognize the man who is down but not out and help them.

I won't expect change to happen without putting in the work needed to get to that point. I mean... I've lost SO much expecting things to change when they demand work. I will never settle for the mediocre path. I'll bust my ass to become healthy, educated, motivated, and happy. I won't rest until I've become the person I knew I would be as a child, because that isn't a childish dream to have.

If all it takes to be happy is to BE happy... I'll do that. I'll fake it till it's contagious, and when the people around me are happy, I'll know I helped with that, and it will make me a bit happier. Even if I'm hurting inside, I will never spread my negative attitude. I'll give more hugs. I'll listen to the ones I love. I'll do little things when I'm not even asked. Most importantly, I'll continue to NEVER let a cry for help go unanswered. 

So, I can already feel a few of these things taking root, but I know others won't come easy. I'll do what I have to. I'll sweat, scream, and bleed. Despite what I've been told and taught, I'm a good person by nature. I'll succeed at anything that I put a sure foot forward towards, because I adapt. Because my passion doesn't come from a need to succeed, it comes from a sense of self worth I haven't seen in myself for a long time. A sense of self worth that has been wrongly defined by others by what they can physically see or tangibly interact with. But I'm all these things and more... EVERYONE is... so don't sell yourself short. We are only what we create, we are only victims of the circumstances we let victimize us, and we all have the capacity to love as well as hate, never choose the path of least resistance.

Time

It heals all wounds right?

It seems like such a comfort for all those other people, until you wake up, and realize it helped you. It makes you feel cliche and normal, but the whole idea makes you feel right again. We can't help but to feel like the end is near sometimes, it's our nature as humans. Or to feel as if there isn't much to fight for in this world, because of all the wreckage we constantly navigate. Time has a way of making you see things you may have been blind to when all you saw is what you couldn't hold onto. Not just what you were blocking out with your higher priorities, but what you turned a blind eye to for the sake of "something greater".

Honestly, those things that slip through your fingers aren't meant to be held. All that shimmers isn't gold. And sometimes, we hero worship people and situations that don't deserve it because we want perfection in the form of illusions. We trick ourselves into believing that something unhealthy is what we want. That it can make things better to have one more mediocre thing that everyone else has. Even if toxic will always be toxic, and unhappy is two letters from what you truly deserve.

The hardest lessons are often the best learned. To be in so much denial that your are continually having epiphany after epiphany when you look back is disgusting. I could write a book on manipulation, dominance, dependency, and lies. My acknowledgement would simply say, "Thank you for teaching me the difference."

The common denominator in your dependent relationships is you, but I'M the fool who's life was dominated entirely.